Monday, March 10, 2008

Jack Nicholson As Roger Clemens

I can't take credit for the following post. One of my sports journalsim colleagues forwarded it to me. However, I thought it was so good that I should pass it along. Classic!

From an unknown source...

Clemens: You want answers?

Congressman: I think I'm entitled to them.

Clemens: You want answers?

Congressman: I want the truth!

Clemens: You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has baseballs. And those balls have to be hit by men with bats. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Congressman?

I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for steroids and you curse HGH. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that HGH - while illegal - probably sells tickets. And my existence - while grotesque and incomprehensible to you - sells tickets.

You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that mound. You need me on that mound. We use words like fastball, slider, split-finger... We use these words as the backbone to a life spent playing a sport. You use 'em as a punchline.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and falls asleep to the Sportscenter clips I provide! And then questions the manner in which I provide them! I'd rather you just said 'Thank you' and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a bat and dig in. Either way, I don't give a damm what you think you're entitled to!

Congressman: Did you order the HGH?

Clemens: (quietly) I did the job you sent me to do.

Congressman: Did you order the HGH?

Clemens: You're goddamn right I did!!

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